dear cache:
i love you
but sometimes feel like getting your teeth removed.
please. stop. chewing.
you know that new cool harness i just bought you? ya, the one you just ate. it was expensive.
please stop.
good thing i still love you.
how could i resist when you look at me like this?
love,
me

hair

2 months ago, my hair was just getting to be the length i wanted it. ironic.
well, i saved this little piece.
actually zach told me i should keep a piece before he cut it all off.
i'm glad he did.
i look at it and feel it everyday.
it may sound silly, but i hold it up to my face to remember what it's like. i miss the feeling of my hair falling in my face or my fingers running through it. i miss using a flat iron, putting it up in a pony-tail and everything else i had always done without much thought.

i know it will all come back. but right now, i'll just hold on to this piece to help me remember.
and i don't think i'll every complain about my hair again...

bald and beautiful

here it is.
now there's nothing left to hide!
me in all my white headed glory.
i needed my bald brother in the photo with me.
if he can do it, so can i, right?

...now if i could just get my beard to grow in that thick...we'd really look like twins!

lots of people have asked,

how did you know something was wrong?
it was a process. almost a year ago i was having lots of stomach problems and some heart burn and such. i went to a doctor and he sent me home with antacids. it didn't help. i held out for about 3 months. then we had a busy summer of our trip to ecuador and going to live in arkansas with the patterson's for a couple months. through all the adventure, i just didn't feel good all around. my appetite was gone, and when i did eat it was in small amounts because it made me feel even worse. i was dropping lots of weight, but felt like CRAP. amidst all this, my stomach kept growing - similar to when you are pregnant. i couldn't 'suck it in' and it was hard and uncomfortable. i knew something wasn't right. i 'self diagnosed' myself (by reading things on the internet, of course!) with an ovarian cyst. the symptoms lined up.

when we got back to UT, i went to an internal medicine doctor, who referred me to an OB who did an ultrasound and discovered a cantaloupe size cyst on my ovary. he scheduled surgery and took a cancer blood test just to be safe. when those results came by high, he referred me to SLC to an ovarian cancer specialist. the blood test didn't determine that i had cancer, it just raises concern.

surgery was scheduled and the doc was fairly certain it would be benign. the larger tumors usually are, they say. so i didn't worry too much and just was grateful to get that thing OUT. i felt like 100 bucks once i had recovered. it took about 3 weeks after surgery for all the lab tests to come back. they discovered that the cells on the outer edge of the ovary tested positive for cancer. they were fairly confident that they had 'gotten it all' since surrounding organs and tissue tested negative. BUT - no one wants to have another tumor grow from any possible cell floating around in there, or worse, its spread to another part of the body.

HENCE, chemotherapy is to ensure that all cancer cells that could have remained are killed. i should be 'cured' and be back to normal in no time!


well...that was the long version. be careful what you ask for :)

they ask..i'll answer

what side effects have you had from chemo?
hair loss! but hey, showers are really short with no hair on your head and no need to shave! i kind of look like G.I. jane or something...only not so fit!
i wear a wig to work and church (which is uncomfortable and itchy), but all the other times i wear hats or head wraps. to be honest, it's actually quite liberating to be bald. less time getting ready in the morning.
besides hair loss, i get leg pains for a couple days after treatment, and i am always tired (but who isn't!)

do you feel sick?
nope. i am so so blessed. haven't had to take a nausea pill yet!! i actually feel pretty much normal. actually better than i did before surgery.

what can i do to help?
come visit! i especially love to hold babies if you have one!
suggestions for head coverings. bald can be beautiful - but it's cold!

how long do you have to do treatments?
i have already finished three! that's HALF WAY. i will be done by the end of february.

are you still working?
yes, and so grateful. i love my job and it keeps me busy...but i do come home exhausted!

what kind of cancer do you have?
i have stage 1 ovarian cancer. i have had one ovary removed and the other one is still healthy and good. stage 1 is the lowest - so it's curable and i should have a long, healthy life. this leads me to the question...

can you still bear children?
yes! as long as my other ovary keeps doin' it's job!!


(sorry if that was TMI for some of you...but everyone asks so i'll just put it out there!)


through this whole situation, i have just felt so grateful. i am grateful for my helpful husband who doesn't complain that his wife is always tired and still thinks i am beautiful. grateful for a body that is healing well and strong enough to fight this disease. grateful for a family who looks beyond a bald head and realizes i'm still good ol' jaci. grateful for children and my job that help me realize what really is important. hair is not one of them. grateful for SO many friends who have expressed love and concern for me!

2010 is going to be
a year of healing
a year of new adventure
a year of love
a year of miracles
a year of improvement
i'm.so.excited.

i have passed the hump of chemo - it's all easy sailing from here!


...any more questions?

planes, trains and automobiles...minus trains

early to airport in SLC
lots of time to wait for plane
made it to denver
sunny skies..beautiful
eat wendy's
just enough time to get on next plane
lots of crochet time..this is great
all loaded on the plane
close the door
loud speaker announcement
oh no....
everything to oklahoma canceled
snow..snow..snow...ironic
NO!
get off plane
where's our luggage?
wait for them to dig it out of the endless luggage from canceled flights
an hour later they are on on the conveyor belt
yes...at least we have clothes
no presents stolen this year
now what?
dad finds flight to little rock for next morning (christmas)...
rent a car
drive to colorado springs
what a joy to see sister and fam on christmas eve
sleep for 4 hours
wake up
drive back to denver
get on another plane
please take off this time
good flight
sleep the whole way
sunny in little rock
dad drives 3.5 hours to come get us at airport
arrive RIGHT on time
drive with them 3.5 hours back to siloam
arrive on christmas night
a l l d a y t r a v e l i n g o n c h r i s t m a s
worth it?

EVERY BIT!

gratitude

ya, i know...thanksgiving is up and gone.
but i just can't help but feel so grateful for all that i have.
my husband
a warm house
two amazing families
a body
great food
a washer and dryer (thanks for an early christmas, mom and dad!)
an awesome job that i love
friends
a hilarious dog
tv
slippers
...
i could go on.

but, the thanksgiving holiday started out rough for me. first, my hair started falling out in clumps and that's a scary thing. i have prepared myself for this moment... but it's still more awkward than you can imagine.

next, i heard about the hear wrenching story of John Jones' death. first we didn't know who the man in the cave was. it was a sad story in itself. but when zach heard the name of the trapped, young father and realized it was his favorite MTC teacher, my heart sank once again.

elder patterson and brother jones

that's not fair. my heart ached all weekend long for his wife. raising a young toddler and another on the way - and no daddy. not fair.

she must be a lot stronger than i am. i am sitting her whining about losing my hair, while she has to pick up and move on with life. alone.

i am learning more each day how fragile our mortal lives are. there's no time to whine or feel bad for ourselves. there is a life to live and we must be grateful for each and every day. how blessed i feel to know the truthfulness of the gospel. dear emily jones will be without john in this mortal life, but they will be reunited again!

i think he was needed to spread the gospel on the other side. but he is missed here.
r.i.p. brother jones.